In all honesty, the part of Judaism that has always scared me the most is the focus on observing the commandments. As a child, I was always a bit rebellious. As an adult, I have just been disinterested in religious obligation. I think that this stems from the evangelical Christian emphasis on faith as belief, the idea that what we believe about God reveals our true bearings in relationship to holiness; a kind of target board religion where hitting the bullseye means believing a certain set of doctrines. This has always caused me more angst and irritability than anything else in my religious background; that how we relate to the text of scripture - how we believe God is revealed to us - is more important than how we act upon that belief. Certainly, many Christians that I know would try to stop me right there and interject with "Wait a minute! A tree is known by its fruit. True faith yields actions consistent with belief." Hmmmm.... this is problem if one has doubts.
If salvation (however that term is understood) is founded upon belief - if faith is rooted in a person's profession of what they believe is the essence of salvation - what then is the consequence for acting out of alignment with the belief? Aren't humans masters of hypocrisy? Wasn't this the very core of Jesus' own teachings, calling humans to act justly and mercifully toward one another and vilifying the pious person who talks the talk but fails to walk the walk?
So, while this has always been a source of great internal conflict for me in my relationship with the form of Christianity in which I was raised, my ignorance of Judaism (still bound to the law, after all) has always served as a safeguard against my further explorations of its practices. I always assumed that if Christians could profess their faith and win salvation and still have problems just keeping 10 commandments, how is it even conceivable that a Jew can reconcile their beliefs to the practice of more than 600 commandments?!
Of course, the linking of faith (in the confession of belief) to action has been the error in my equation all along. Though I have much to learn and still do not quite grasp the subtleties of nuance in the many Jewish traditions, I am starting to see that emphasis on action - conviction mobilized in practice - is what lies at the heart of being Jewish. Well, this is quite an epiphany to me. That I can have doubts, that questions can rise up with each answer like new heads from the hydra, that I might not really have any grasp on where I fit in the scheme of the cosmos is no prohibition on my practice of faith. The idea that God's covenant with the Jewish people is to bring order into the chaos of the world is revolutionizing my understanding about what it means to have faith. This is about action. Certainly belief plays a role in our understanding about God - we hold onto a concept (any concept) whether or not we want to or until we can find a better substitution - but belief is not requisite for action.
Consider the commandments related to the giving of charity. How we feel about homeless people, down-and-outters, welfare mothers - whether we consider them victims of circumstance or lazy bums - though reflective of our hearts and necessity of interior transformation, is irrelevant when it comes to the charity commandments. That is to say, our introduction of resources into these peoples lives - our bringing order into their world of chaos - is unrelated to our personal motivations, desires, hopes, fears, suspicions, etc. God introduces order with or without our consent through our obedience to the commandments.
For me this is a big WOW realization. I can have my doubts, I can question and go back and forth about exactly what it is I believe, and still serve as a conduit of Godliness in the world through my actions. And the best part? I might learn something about myself in the process. Through the keeping of the law I might be confronted about my prejudices and weaknesses. I might just be introducing order into the chaos of my own life in learning to live the mitzvot, in learning to speak the language of Judaism.
Beautiful realizations, Michael!
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